Feedback and What It Triggers

The Feedback Framework I Learned From Douglas Stone and Sheila Heen

Key Takeaways

·       Here are three triggers of severe internal resistance when hearing feedback and what we can do about it

o   Truth Triggers—where we question the truthfulness or helpfulness of the feedback

• Clarify the feedback, account for your blind spots, and identify the 10% that’s useful

o   Relationship Triggers—where we are irked because of our relationship with the advice giver

• Disentangle what the feedback is from who is giving the feedback + recognize the relationship system you are both in

o   Identity Triggers—where the feedback threatens a core aspect of narratives we tell ourselves

• Keep track of how you react to positive and negative feedback based on your internal narratives + cultivate an identity of growth and embrace marginal gains

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Note: If you would like to learn more about this topic, consider reading Douglas Stone and Sheila Heen’s book “Thanks For the Feedback: The Science and Art of Receiving Feedback

In a previous post, I shared a time when I dealt with criticism that was difficult to deal with while I was an undergraduate researcher in a computational chemistry lab. In today’s post, I want to share with you a framework I’ve learned and implemented when considering feedback that irks me [which is most feedback because I’m more sensitive and insecure than I realize] as well as the steps I use to get through it. I am by no means an expert in receiving feedback, nevertheless, I have found this framework helpful when trying to identify why I experience some intense resistance when hearing feedback at times and what I can do about it. It’s important to recognize that our reactions to feedback are normal and, in many situations, justified. The key is for these triggers to not be so blinding that we lose the ability to find useful nuggets in the feedback we receive.  

Truth Triggers

You are a 1st year med student who is undergoing a standardized patient interaction. You complete the interaction and your preceptor suggests that you need to be more empathetic by asking the patient if they need a pillow when they lie down. “What the heck?” you think to yourself. “It sounds like I might as well order them some door dash and wash their feet while they wait for their meal to be empathetic!?” You think the feedback is ridiculous because the feedback is untrue which characterizes a truth trigger.

Once I recognize a truth trigger, I follow a general algorithm for getting through it.

1.           Distinguish the feedback as either appreciation [giving thanks], coaching [showing how you can better improve], or evaluation [here is how you compare to my expectations]

2.           Understand where the other person is coming from [What do they mean? What are they seeing?]

3.           Check your Blind spots

The method is not foolproof. However, often, I can find the 10% of the advice that is helpful and make some marginal improvement.

Relationship Triggers

You are a teaching assistant in university and a student comes up to you for some extra help near the end of your office hour. After being helped, he mentions “You have a great attention to detail but you can be a little harsh at times. But I would still hire you as a TA if it was my decision!” You sheepishly smile and wonder what the heck the student was thinking when telling you that statement? “Who are they to be evaluating your job performance? Why can’t they just thank me like other students and just move on?” Your interpretation of the feedback is tripped up by your relationship to the advice giver which characterizes a relationship trigger.

Once I recognize a relationship trigger, I follow a different algorithm to go through it. It adds two more steps and then goes through the truth trigger process.

1.           Recognize what feeling specifically makes the relationship irksome to me. [Do I feel underappreciated? Do I feel hurt/betrayed?]

2.           Recognize what in the relationship—from both parties—contributes to the relationship trigger and deal with it after the feedback is processed

3.           Start the truth trigger process

Identity Triggers

You are a fourth-year university student who will be applying to medical school soon. You sit down with the pre-health advisor who has looked through your application essays, stats, and school list. Stone-faced, the advisor tells you that you are not ready to apply yet. “You need more clinical experience, and you should consider taking a gap year.” You are shocked and dismayed and yet, part of you knew this would happen. Part of yourself knew that you were not cut out for medical school or helping people. You should have known since the time you failed to get into the science Olympiad in high school or you found out that no one in your family was in medicine. The advisor’s feedback has triggered a core narrative that you tell yourself which characterizes an identity trigger.  

Once I recognize an identity trigger, I do three steps before engaging in the truth trigger algorithm.

1.           Reflect on how my experiences contribute to the narratives I tell myself

2.           Share my experiences and narratives someone I trust so they can fact-check me

3.           Cultivate a growth mindset and focus on marginal gains

4.           Start the truth trigger algorithm

This seems like a lot. It is. I’ve spent about 6 months trying to internalize this process with all kinds of feedback and I’m still encountering holes in my skillset. However, I find myself much calmer and open to feedback than before. Perhaps something similar can happen to you.